To Be Receptive Variable

you’re a receptive being and the first thing they tell you when you enter the world is to form a plan. you don’t know how to make a plan. you have no concept of “the plan.” but you look out to everyone else and they seem to know how to construct a plan. so you emulate. you imitate. you pretend to know what you’re doing.

your natural inclination is to wait for life to come to you. you’re laid back. you’re lassie-faire. some might call you passive but in reality you’re just relaxed. but they tell you this is not enough. you must be more direct. you must have a strategy. you must assert your dominance, your position, your agenda, your plan. create an image, craft a persona. it’s a dog-eat-dog kind of world and you don’t want to be trampled on. you need to know how to survive.

so you ask around and they give you the steps and you force yourself to sit down and focus. think harder, they tell you. you must prove your intelligence or else no one will ever know. so you work at it. you try even harder to memorize the rules. and it works, sometimes. you even get praised for it. you’re just like us, well done, here’s your stamp of approval. you manage to get by. you manage to blend as “normal.” but you’re hanging on by a thread. you’re straining so hard the veins are visible on your forehead.

the people around you call you ditzy when you forget for a moment to put on a face. they say she’s off with the fairies. she lives in la-la-land. come back to earth! you don’t live in reality. one day you’re going to get hurt if you don’t have a defence. you must be prepared if you want to win. so you keep trying and whilst it appears you’re making “progress” on the outside — and they keep telling you this is just what you’re supposed to do — you know deep down something isn’t right. you feel the resistance, even if it’s invisible to everybody else.

the problem was trying. so one day you just stopped giving a shit. you decide to let them think you’re dumb (I know you’re not.) you stop pretending to keep up with the world and by accident you surrender. you give in. you do the opposite of what they tell you to do — you abandon “the plan.” not long afterwards, you abandon all planning. it makes no sense to anyone around you. they tell you you’re crazy. they look at you with pity as if you’re lost. but only you know you’re actually beginning to find yourself again. only you know deep down this feels right.